You Can't Break That Which Isn't Yours
by Fionasaurus
Summary: Bella was in such pain when Edward left her in New Moon. Why didn't she just try to end it before she went cliff diving? Here are some of Bella's thoughts. Apres Moi by Regina Spektor.


_**Alright. So I have recently been addicted to the song Apres Moi by Regina Spektor. It's wonderful. It's in a minor key and has lyrics that really make you think.**_

_**When I really listened to the lyrics, I was reminded of Bella in New Moon between when Edward left her in Chapter 3 and when she began to wake up in Chapter 4. Also, when she jumps off the cliff. She really wasn't trying to kill herself. That's just how it came off, you know? And I really feel that the first verse fits Bells.**_

_**Discalimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga, Stephenie Meyer does. Nor do I own Apres Moi, Regina Spektor owns that.**__You can't break that which isn't yours.  
__I must go on standing.  
__I'm not my own, it's not my choice._

I must go on standing

I was laying in my bed, clenching my fists. I was trying to stop my heart from falling on to the floor. The hole in my chest has continued to grow since... since... I couldn't even bring myself to think of it.

I'd been laying in this bed for over a week. I felt numb... I was barely aware of the blanket that was lightly draped over my body. I couldn't tell if it was hot or cold. Objects seemed blurry and completely out of focus.

I vaguely registered that Charlie was in my room on the phone. I could faintly hear him begging someone to come and get me. I suppose he was talking to Renee. I didn't care enough to ask.

Charlie hung the phone up and lightly pat my foot. I recoiled from the touch and curled into the fetal position and hugged my arms closer to my chest. If I let go of my chest, I was sure my heart would fall out and I would never be able to find it.

I heard Charlie curse under his breath and heave a heavy sigh. I almost felt bad that I was now causing him pain. Charlie said something to me but I just covered my head with the blanket and he left me.

_Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs.  
__Be afraid of the old, they'll inherit your soul.  
__Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood.  
__Apr__e__s moi le deluge. After me comes the flood._

I woke to the sound of people talking. It sounded like my mother and father but they sounded far off. Suddenly, footsteps seemed to creep into my room. A sound, like fabric ripping, filled my ears. Then, the blanket that was covering my face was wrenched from on top of me.

Renee was standing in front of me; looking a cross between angry and scared. A voice in the back of my head was wondering why Renee was looking like that. A tentative smile crossed Renee's face and she stepped aside saying something.

Horror was all that met my eyes when Renee stepped aside; yellow light was bleeding through the window, which was curtainless. A loud scream issued from somewhere and I threw myself to the ground on the other side of my bed, blocking the bright light from my view. That little voice was lightly laughing and saying that people must think I was crazy or a...

Renee walked to the side of the bed where I was desperately trying to keep my eyes closed and block the wretched sun. Renee was trying to force my arms from my chest or maybe she was just trying to move my hands from my eyes. After a slight struggle, Renee stood up and walked to the other side of my room. I heard the sound a suitcase being opened...then my closet.

I snapped my eyes open and stared at Renee. "Bella, Charlie and I think it would be best if you came to stay with me and Phil in Jacksonville." Renee was packing... to take me... to a place... filled with sun. Tears began to stream down my face. I removed my arms from my chest and began to take deep breaths. I couldn't leave Forks. Not the place where I met... I just. I couldn't leave.

Another scream was penetrating the air. I felt my body move of it's own accord. I felt my hands grasp the suitcase and threw it out the door of my room. Renee looked truly frightened, but she wasn't about to back down. "Bella, it's Jacksonville or... a mental institution. We just don't know what to do to help you."

I rushed towards my dresser and wrenched the drawers open, grabbing handfuls of clothes and throwing them all over the room. I wasn't sure the meaning of this action, but it felt oddly satisfying. I ran to the bed and tipped the mattress on to it's side.

Screaming was once again filling the air as I felt arms restraining me from causing anymore damage. I kicked out at nothing trying to get away from whoever was holding me back. I felt my ankle crack hard on the footboard of my bed. The screaming was endless and as I was struggling, I realized the screaming was coming from me. I stopped struggling and I stopped screaming.

Once I stopped moving, I opened my eyes and blinking, looked around my room. My father had a strong grip around my arms and chest, while my mother was backed against the farthest wall from me looking very scared, indeed. After a few minutes of me just standing there, I guess Charlie thought it was safe to let me go. As Charlie released me, I tried to get my balance but a pain shot through my ankle and I stumbled to the ground.

_I must go on standing.  
__You can't break that which isn't yours.  
__I must go on standing.  
__I'm not my own, it's not my choice._

It turned out that I had given myself a hairline fracture on the same leg that had just recently after the attack from... Nevermind. That didn't matter. I had to use crutches to walk for a few weeks while it healed.

Charlie and Renee thought it was best not to mention to Doctor Snow how I fractured my ankle. Renee had been gone for a couple of weeks. She left after making me promise to try and act... normal.

In fear of Charlie sending me to Jacksonville, where the sun shined down on most days, I played the good girl. I couldn't stand the thought of being in the sun; it would make meeting... _him_ seem like a dream. The hole in my chest lurched as I thought of my reasons for not wanting to live with Renee.

Charlie had been driving me to school in the cruiser, presumably to make sure I actually went to school. Going to school was so painful. People I didn't even know that well were giving me looks of pity. My friends treated me like I would dissolve into tears at any wrong word. Which, I suppose, was true. As such an instance happened the first day I was back.

Mike was walking with me to my Government class, helping me carry my books. He only mentioned that he was sorry that... _he_ had left. I actually pushed Mike and ran, as fast as a girl on crutches could, to the nurse where I asked for Charlie to pick me up immediately.

A few times the thought of... death, seemed comforting. But then a voice in the back of my mind would whisper _take care of yourself_. I couldn't force myself to take my life. It wasn't my life to take. I gripped tighter to my chest, forcing the hole to close a little.

_Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs.  
__Be afriad of the old, they'll inherit your soul.  
__Be afriad of the cold, they'll inherit your blood.  
__Apres moi le deluge. After me... flood._

It was my first day to drive myself to school in over three weeks. I jumped as the truck came on. Not because of the loud rumbling that emitted from the engine but because of the radio system that I had received for my birthday... And the song that was playing. The lyrics were haunting and very close to my situation. _These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time can not erase._

Of course, my Evanescence CD had been the last thing I listened to. _He_ was very wrong.. 'time most certainly did not heal all wounds for my kind.' Pain was filling every hollow of my body. I missed the numbness that my body had gotten used to. The song was still playing. I had to make it end.

I found a little crevice on the side of the radio console and began to scratch and pull like a mad person. I was yanking for what felt like hours, making little leave-way. I then remembered that there was a hammer in the back of the truck. Blood pooling at my fingertips and my fingernails shredded, I got out of the truck and grabbed the hammer.

Smashing the face of the radio was more statisfying than I would have thought it to be. I wedged the pronged end of the hammer in a crevice and pulled as hard as I could muster. Finally, the radio system came out of my dashboard.

I ran to the house carefully, as I was now in a brace with no crutches. I grabbed a garbage bag from the kitchen and ran back outside. I stuffed the radio system into the garbage bag and drug the bag into the house, up the stairs and threw the bag into the back of my closet. While I was at it, I decided to stuff my CDs into the garbage.

Music had no place in my life without... There was no meaning to my life without... I sighed in frustration and glanced at the clock. I was an hour late for school, now; I had completely missed first period.

_Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat  
__(February, pick up your pen and weep)  
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd  
(Write poems about February in sobs and ink)  
Poka grohochushaya slyakot  
(While thunder booming in the background)  
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit  
(Is burning in the black of spring)_

I was walking through life without any notice of time or people. I had no clue what month it was... possibly what year. I knew I was still in high school and I knew I still worked at Newton's Outfitters. I just didn't seem to know what was going on around me though.

I could see people talking to me, or attempting to, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I had finally broken down. I was dead on the inside. Part of me wanted to make the outside just as dead but that tiny voice, that had no real tone or pitch to it, reminded me, once again, to _take care of myself_.

For nearly the millionth time, I was glad no one could read my thoughts... Tears sprang to my eyes and my heart gave a sad sputter. Little thoughts could bring such pain.

For the third time since... since... For the third time, Charlie had threatened to send me to live with Renee. My voice was dull and drawn as I replied that I hated the sun. The last time the sun was out, I had begged for Charlie to let me stay home, but he wouldn't have it.

_Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs.  
Be afraid of the old, they'll inherit your soul.  
Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood.  
Apres moi le deluge. After me comes the flood._

I promised Charlie that I would go out with Jessica tonight. It was definitely a difficult promise to make. I hadn't properly talked to Jessica in... months? Months. Lately, she seemed distant. Maybe it was me, though. Maybe I was distant. I don't know, anymore.

_I must go on standing.  
You can't break that which isn't yours.  
I must go on standing.  
I'm not my own, I'm not my choice._

Many things happened that night while I was out with Jessica. First, I got defensive when she asked me if I was suicidal. I only realized that it was a rhetorical question after I had answered. Then, I heard... Edward. It was like he was there with me.

Piecing things together, I realize, now, that he had been that voice. I've never truly been alone. I've always known that he was here. That's why I had never wanted to be near the sun or something that would destroy my... vision of him.

He owns my heart and my life. I could never do anything to destory his memory. I'll always love him. Even if I live to never see him again.

* * *

**_Please tell me what you think._**

**_Even if you hated it. I like reading flames. They make me laugh._**


End file.
